Channeling the mind

Tomorrow is Diwali. 

Today I hosted a monthly pot luck group that I am part of. I totally outsourced things because I just don’t have the time to make stuff from scratch at the moment. I had multiple meetings at school for various committees I serve on. We have a big school and community wide festival this Saturday and it is all very busy. I managed to decorate the table with tea lights and a few Indian accents - embroidered runner, block printed napkins, an ashtamangalam. We had lots of last minute drop outs but it was fun. And delicious. 

Tomorrow also has lots of things going on including a diwali dinner with other Indian families in our building. But all I can think about is my Nani. And all I want to do is get under the covers and cry. I feel full of tears and I’m missing her so terribly. I can’t even imagine what my mum and mama are feeling. I suspect we are all holding in our grief and trying so very hard to keep up the good front. After all this year we are so very happy to have a new baby in our family. It’s his first Diwali, his parents first Diwali with him etc. It’s a conundrum, dealing with the grief and happiness all at once. A crazy maze with impossible paths and no way out. I feel like I am barrelling ahead with lots of energy to avoid thinking or talking or crying about losing her. I’m not sure how I will get through tomorrow. Or how any of us will.

Tomorrow is Diwali.