This is not about a bucket list - which I have and has not even been scraped - but about effort.
I find that I’m often at the giving end of the effort stick and the being taken advantage of end of the stick - sometimes these are quite on the same spot on the life dial and one overshadows the joy of the other. In a recent development with a certain friendship it has turned out that I have made a grave misjudgment. I’ve spent nearly 10 years putting a lot of effort into this relationship - always making the first move and the second and often the third. It’s the kind of relationship where it began by obligation - I felt compelled to make an effort because of other people in that circle - but then it turned out I quite liked the person. So we got along, stayed in touch, and I gave way more of my time, effort and money to this. Over time though the sticks began to overlap and although I had an inkling it was happening I willfully chose to ignore it.
But recently it has become even more evident that I am being taken advantage of. And just in this past week I made peace with the realization that the other friendships in that circle are bound to dissipate if I let go of this one relationship. And that is a pretty hard thought to wrap my mind around but now yet more essential so I don’t continue to stew in regret and remorse.
So here we are: me letting this whole planet ring of people afloat. And already some of them are questioning it but unwilling to be tethered to what is sure to be a not pretty discussion. And so like the saying goes I’ve set something/ someone free and I gather it was never mine and will not come back. And yet I can live with that. What a mature mid forties style crisis I am having!!!