the mojo one

In the past 15 days I have not been blogging (with the exception of the tag) because I’ve been searching for politeness. And my mojo. Since the start of this year increasingly my mood has darkened and all I want to use my blog for is to rant and rail against various people and the world in general. Of course I cannot do that because I am simply not that person – and because I am hoping it’s a phase that shall soon pass. I must admit that it has taken all my willpower not to yell lately, to say things I know I will not mean in a while but seem real right now and I will definitely regret later. Simply not blogging was the simplest way to simmer down.

So it’s 2007. And I’m hoping that at work (and in life) we’re all done with the chirpy New Year’s greetings and story exchanges of how wonderful their break from work was. Yada yada yada. I know I should be a bit happier at the start of a NEW year but I can’t help feeling this bit blue. And the reason for this unhappiness is ironic. Really. It’s mainly because 2006 was such a fantastic year that I really can’t see how 2007 can beat it. I’ve decided that maybe talking about 2006 will help me focus on how to better cope with 2007.

2006 was the year it all happened for me. So many things came to pass that it seemed almost like the climax of a summer movie where all the trails and tribulations are overcome, hurdles thunderously hurdled over, before the characters walk into the sunset and a wonderful life. In 2006 I felt most at peace with myself and the world than at any other time in what I remember of my 30 preceding years. At work I finally figured out what I wanted to do, chased what I was looking for and loved every minute at my incredible job. In love, V and I celebrated 15 year of having first met and then 5 years of blissful marriage. We finally bought bricks&mortar to surround us and joined (and kept to) a gym to get the ‘us’ in good health. We did our house up with love, care and tasteful décor all to make it into a warm and safe home. I watched my family prosper after years of not – mainly my joy is at seeing my parents in exciting jobs which make them smilingly happy and satisfied – and I am convinced that all our waiting and good deeds finally paid off. And each day of the year I watched my brother grow into a wonderful responsible human being that makes me proud to be his sister. I learnt to finally banished all the demons and people from my life that plagued me. I learnt to not hanker after 'friendships' where the giving was all mine and I was blatently hanging on for no good reason. I finally understood why a few good friends are a far better deal than a load of so called ones. London and I made firm friends at long long last, after 4 years of tetchy battles. I decided to be firm in my convictions, steady in my plan and to always listen to my instincts – and all those things stood me in good stead. I reached a good place in my head and heart, a satisfied place, a tranquil place, a place where each morning it’s great to wake up.

There is almost no way to beat all the goodness of 2006. And 2007 has not yet inspired much confidence. I know this dark mood and all these irritants will disappear with the spring sun and a wave of my hand. I just can’t see it just yet. I want 2007 to be satisfying, like the aftertaste of a tasty meal, if not special, but I fear that sometimes all my hoping for too much will jinx it all. I want the joys of 2006 to linger and not be swept away in an instant.

Over the past 15 days I have felt my mojo slip away along with the quiet confidence of a good year gone by - for no apparent reason other than the stretch of year ahead of me. On Thursday evening I went for dinner with colleagues and visitors and on our route home we decided to show them some of the sights from Waterloo Bridge. So at 10pm we walked around the lit up ice rink set in majestic Somerset House on the Strand before setting off for the Bridge and Waterloo Station just south of it. As we walked on to the bridge on a clear and mild winter night the view just took my breath away. I’ve walked over this bridge many a time in the past 4&something years but never at night. It was a sight to behold. All those grand buildings and landmarks that draw people to London, all lit up, shiny and sparkling and ethereal. Big Ben framed by the London Eye. Houses of Parliament. NFT. Shell. St. Pauls. RAF Church. Gherkin. Oxo tower. South Bank. Bobbing boats on the Thames. The old and the new. The shiny and the matt. I’ve seen it all before, at night even. Just never with these eyes and in this somber mood. And suddenly in one instant it was back. My mojo. Uplifted by the sparkly twinkly beauty of London’s grand skyline.

In that one moment I knew 2007 will be just fine.